I'm sick of people.

I'm sick of people letting me down. Forgetting about me. Because I'm one. And they're all two.

Fuck that.

Fuck it all. When I'm thin everything will be different.

lovely

I love Cassie. She's one of my idols. I love what she looks like, how she dresses, how she talks... everything.

I miss Skins :(

I should be studying right now, but I've been so distracted these last few days - it sucks. All I want to do it write and dream and faff around doing nothing. Come on holidayssss.

Ate some sushi, brown rice but I still feel crappy.

just because I'm losing doesn't mean Im lost

Woohoo! Down 2 pounds! Finally under the 20 BMI again... I don't ever want to go over.

All I see to do it study atm, driving me around the bend! I just want to ace my exams, get straight 100% and bring on the holidays.

Instead I keep re-watching all my lectures and trying to absorb information - when all I keep thinking about is calories and food and how much I should be eating and trying to fit in exercise. Any break I get I'm jumping on my mini-trampoine and I'm getting up early to run on the treadmill...

I MUST weigh under 130!!! I want to be back at 125 again!! (mostly 120 though...)

love <3

and counting...

My doctor wants me to increase my intake to 1,600-1,700 calories a day, but heaven forbid I calorie count! Ha!

There's no way I can eat more than 1,200. I have counted 1,200 calories for so long now that I just can't stop. Everyday always adds up so perfectly to that amount that I know my exact portion sizes for every meal and I lose a steady amount of weight.

That's the problem - they don't want me to.

Mostly, tell me it'll all be alright.

I'm studying Psychology at Uni and I'm learning things that make me worry.

Like how as a rule of thumb only 2/3 of people get better. And 1/3 don't.

I sometimes feel like I don't belong in those Psychology lectures, even though it's the one goal I have for the future. It's my anchor, it's progress and it's something I'm working towards. Sometimes it feels as though it's all I've got.

I wonder if anyone else in that big lecture hall thinks the same things? It's bizarre to feel so isolated and alone when you're surrounded by hundreds of people. I guess I'm just worried someday, someone will point me out and say, "hey! she doesn't belong here, she's what we're trying to fix!"

I want to help people, but I can't help myself.

I have a plan.

Let's all do it. I'm going to, so why shouldn't you?

I don't want to grow up, so I'm not going to. I'm going to get smaller instead.

I love pretty things. Cute things, pink things, small things, vintage things and great things.


I dream of ballet, soft clothes, perfect photos, travelling, sad books, happy friends, thin wrists, perfect GPAs, rainy days, Harry Potter, snuggling, Paris, laughing, take-out coffee, fabulous New York, classical music, bicycles, perfect moments, London and the English sea-side, coke zero, fashion made fun, writing nonsense and dreaming, generally.

Dream with me?

Fall down the rabbit hole with me. Let's disappear.